The True Civil War Script
by okeydokeyworld
Summary: "Was that a picture of me in your journal, or are you just happy to see me?" A hundred different ways Infinity War and Civil War, could have been ended, if certain people had said certain things at a certain time. OR: What everybody should have just said to each other instead. Rated T for language. Infinity War starts on Chp 4.
1. Chapter 1

**\- Staron:**

...Steve leaned in for the kiss...and then pulled back. Sharon blinked in surprise, her lips slightly parted. "Um...Sharon," Steve began, "I don't mean to offend you, but you _are...Peggy's niece,_ and it's just a little weird for me. And besides, your aunt just died a day ago, so this isn't right...I'd love to talk later though, after this all blows over."

 **\- New York:**

...You were going to NUKE NEW YORK! And now you're giving us crap just because we Jenga-ed a few buildings?

 **\- Wanda:**

...Yes, but do you know how many people would have died _on the ground,_ if I hadn't done that? They're collateral damage...stop looking at me like that, Vision. Besides, Tony, you killed my parents, I say we are even now.

 **\- Ross:**

...You were the one in charge of looking after the Hulk, _General Ross._ It's not our fault that you can't teach him to sit, come, and roll over.

 **\- Sign:**

...The fuck you mean the will government control...what hundred and seventeen countries? ...They said what! ...I ain't signing this bullshit!

 **\- Serum:**

"Wait, wait, wait." Steve said, restraining Tony as he lunged for Bucky. "Where was Howard taking all that super-solider serum to anyway?"

 **\- Child:**

...The fuck, Tony! The kid is fifteen! That's child endangerment! Send him back to his mommy! ...I don't have a mom! _Shut. Up._ PARKER!

 **\- Fury:**

...What are you MOTHERFUCKERS doing!

 **\- Raft Prison:**

...Ohh, nice, our very own Spidermonkey Island,* Tony!

 **\- Not Dead:**

...It wasn't my sister's fault. ...You did _what_ to my sister? ...You locked my sister in her room? ... _(WHACK) I bet you didn't see that coming, Tony._

 **\- Love:**

Steve and Tony looked at each other during a brief interlude in the battle, both caught up in the elation of the fight. "I love you." Bucky said suddenly.  
Steve reached out to clasp his shoulder, blue eyes shining with emotion. "I love you too." Steve declared.

 **Run:**

"Then why did you run?" growled T'Challa. "Excuse. Me. Bitch!" sputtered Bucky. "You come after me waving razor-sharp claws, and yelling something about vengeance and the family mantle...what the hell did do you think I was going to do!

 **Sorry:**

"I'm sorry." "It wasn't your fault, Sam."

 **Spiders:**

Sam stared specutivley at Natasha and Peter. "Sooo, you both like spiders?" he said.

 **Paprika:**

"That wasn't paprika, Vision...I think you were trying to poison me." 

* * *

*** Spidermonkey Island is a fictional island from a series of books called Dr. Doolittle. Apparently it is supposed to be a floating island, it carries a pocket of air at the bottom, and you know, it actually floats.**

 **I am 100% sure that all of you will pull a Cas, and none of you will get the reference, hence the short explantion.**

* * *

 **Ideas and suggestions towards the next chapter are always welcome.**


	2. Chapter 2

**\- Laser:**

"Put down the laser pointer Sam, and step away from King T'Challa."

 **\- Pepper:  
**

ANTHONY EDWARD STARK! I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU!

 **\- Pregnant:  
**

...Pregnant...? Steve asked cautiously. Tony looked at him a full minute before replying. "Yes she is. And hey, by the way, would you like to be the godfather? The Accords can wait, I want to throw the biggest baby shower of the century...and I'm going to make the kid a mini suit...and Nat can be the godmother...and...

 **\- Heimdall:  
**

"Ahh, I am seeing another beautiful day unfold upon Midgard...no, wait...Thor! What in the hell are your friends doing to each other!

 **-Thor:**

Thor strolled through the palace, making his way to where Heimdall was always posted. "Heimdall, how fares my Migardian warriors!" Thor inquired.  
"Ahh, I am seeing another beautiful day unfold on Midgard...no, wait...Thor! What in the hell are your friends doing to each other!" Heimdall shouted in shock. "The fuck!" Thor yelped when Heimdall told him, having been shocked into Midgardian profanity.

 **\- Loki:**

Loki heard Thor's screams of distress from the throne room, where he was sitting disguised as Odin. "Pfft, mortals." Loki snickered.

 **\- Arm Appreciation:**

"You have a metal arm! That's awesome!" "You shoot spiderweb out of _your arms?_ That's awesome!" " _BUCKY_! _FOCUS_!"

 **\- Vision and Walls = Peeping Tom:  
**  
"Vis, we talked about this." Wanda said as Vision phased through the wall. "...Yes, last time you called me a Peeping Tom and threw a frying pan at me." Vision admitted under Steve's icy blue glare.

 **\- Elope:**

"Clint, I don't want to fight you. I don't care about anything else, let Steve and Tony settle their own differences. And Bruce is history. Lets just run away to Russia, you and me."

 **\- Adopt:  
** "Nat! Look at this kid! Isn't he adorable? And his superhero name is Spiderman, he'd make a perfect son for you...lets adopt him!" " _Clint, No!" (Enter Steve:)  
_ "Back off, Clint, the kid's from New York, I claim custody!"

 **\- Cryo Freeze:  
** "T'challa! Why is there a white man in the fridge!" "... _Oh Shit..."_

 **\- Cat = Yarn:  
** "Sam, if you toss that ball of yarn at T'challa, _so help me, I will hurt you..._ and he tossed it."

 **\- Dog:  
** " No Sam, I will not dress up as a dog and help you chase T'Challa around." " _But Steve!"_

* * *

 **So there they are. I know you liked them. You know the drill. R &R. **


	3. Chapter 3

**\- Loki:  
**

A wide beam of light rent the sky, and a figure was lowered into the middle of the airport, between the shocked teams of Cap and Tony. Loki stepped out of the Bifrost's circle, his eyes blazing with fury. "You pathetic mortal shits, you all better become friends again at this very instant! I cannot take a second more of my brother's whining!" Loki screeched at the flabbergasted members of Teams Cap and Tony.

 **-Yarn II:  
**  
In the middle of the battle, when Sam whipped out a ball of yarn and flung it T'Challa, Steve pretended not to notice T'Challa attempting to strangle Sam with it a few moments later.

 **-Tryst:**

"Hey! Has anyone seen Nat!" Tony yelled across the airport as he ducked a roundhouse kick from Bucky. "Has anyone seen Clint!" Steve shouted in unison with Tony, as he ducked a spray of sticky webbing. Natasha and Clint appeared seconds later from a nearby janitor's closet, their hair messy and suits rumpled and unzipped. Tony took one look at them and howled, while Steve cast a thumbs up in their direction.

 **-Queen:**

When Pepper stepped out of the car at the Accords, prim and tall in her suit and heels, Tony let out a whimper of despair. "I am so...so...so _fucked."_ He muttered, attempting to hide behind the King of Wakanda.

 **-Queen II:**

"Tony, I'd like to have a _word_ with you, _now."_

 **-SpiderNope:  
**

 _"Hell_ _no_ , Mr. Stark, I've got finals coming up.

 **-ZemoGetsSmart#:**

"Screw this elaborate and dramatic plan for revenge. I'm just going to bomb them all at their next meet and greet, and keep Bucky as my love slave. The End.

 **-Solution:**

"Kidnapping the Avengers and bringing them to Asgard to participate in a three month orgy is not the correct solution to solving their differences, brother."

 **-Tired:  
**

"I'm getttin' real tired of your shit, Gerneral Ross."

 **-People:**

"Who the hell are all these people. T'Challa!"

 **-Dead:  
**

A stray shot from Tony hit Bucky square across his chest and head, sending him flying into a stone wall. He hit the wall with a sickening sound of bones cracking, then slumped to floor and didn't rise. Steve lost two friends that day.

 **-Mask:**

Bucky's arm was intact, his silver fingers curled around the edges of the red and gold mask that Steve had presented to him him earlier with a dark grin.

 **-Remember:**

"You could at least remember me." "I do remember you."

 **-Always:  
**  
"You still care for him after all this time, Steve?" Tony said, glancing over at Bucky. "Always, Tony, Always." Steve replied simply.

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You Liiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkeeeeeddd them, didn't you? 

Review! Review!


	4. Chapter 4

**ThanosIsStupid# -**

"Thanos, just use the Infinity Guantlet to double the resources of the universe, you shitty grape!"

 **Sweet Paternal Unit -  
**

 **"Sooo, Loki, how many times did you and the Grandmaster...OWW! Don't stab me!"**

 **Tesseract -**

Thor handed Thanos the Tesseract, Thanos took it with a grin and looked at it in victory. Suddenly, the Tesseract shimmered, and burst open, revealing Loki. "MERBLUGHAAA! It's me!" Loki yelled, and stabbed Thanos in the neck, killing him instantly.

 **TonySon -**

"Greetings, Peter Tonyson."

 **Starbucks -**

"Build a Starbucks, and get me some Olympian athletes over here, or I'm telling your mother and sister on you."

 **EveryoneLovesPeter# -**

"We've only known Peter for two minutes, but if anything happened to him, we'd kill everyone in this universe, and then ourselves."

 **Dr. -**

Dr. Strange looked at Nebula, "The Doctor called, he's looking for you, Nebula." Dr. Strange said.

"Dr. Who?" shrieked Nebula.

 **Myths -**

"So, I was reading up on you, and Hela is supposed to be your daughter? ? ?"

"Don't believe everything you read, Dr. Banner."

 **Candy Ass -**

"Where's my Sugar Baby!" roared the Grandmaster.

 **Twerking -**

"Dance off, you and me!" Peter yelled at Thanos. "Peter, stop embarrassing me in front of my dad!" growled Gamora. 

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**Telllllll Meeeee Whatttttt Youuuuu Thinkkkk!**


	5. Chapter 5

**\- No**

"No, Gamora, Nebula, Natasha, and Wanda are not going to wrestle in swimsuits to assert the dominant woman."

 **\- Aunt May**

"Bitch, he has homework to do!"

 **\- #BeyonceCanBeatThanos**

"Nothing can deafeat MEEEEE!" Thanos roared. One of Dr. Strange's portals suddenly opened, and whole stage emerged from the portal. A single figure stood on the stage. "Beyonce." Thanos gasped.

 **\- No Sharing**

"He's my sad white man." said Steve.

"No, he's my sad white man." Shuri retorted.

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Guys, stop." Bucky said.

 **\- Not Today**

"I'm not dealing with this shit today, I have a farm to run." Clint said, firing an explosive arrow at Thanos's head and killing him instantly.

 **\- 7 11**

"I can't believe you fought each other on a parking lot." Thor said disaaprovingly.

"There are bigger things to worry about right now, Thor."

"Yes, but it was stupid."

 **\- Groot**

"I am Groot." "What did you just say to me! I am a god, you dull creature!"

 **\- Drink**

When the battles were over, they found Valkyrie, passed out drunk by Tony Stark's mini bar. 

* * *

**Tell me what you think!**


End file.
